As is the case for many in the helping and healing fields, my work and training evolved from a visceral understanding of initially painful and ultimately enlightening life experiences. It is no surprise that my focus on the healing power of healthy and satisfying relationships comes from knowing which relationships are neither healthy nor satisfying. It is also no surprise, and quite common, that painful experiences imprint us deeply in childhood when we are most vulnerable, impressionable and dependent.
It’s important to keep in mind that in almost every case, the challenges we experience in those early years were not intentionally imposed upon us by our caregivers. Understanding this is crucial to navigating the healing process because holding on to any element of blame creates a barrier that can impair and distort our healing path. And of course, our pain and how it affects us matters and is real.
Similar to walking along unfamiliar trails in the woods and coming to an impasse, the impasse itself, a tree, a fork in the road or dangerous terrain for example, is devoid of intentionality. It is not trying to make things difficult or painful. Instead, it presents us with a reality to work with and make decisions around. The actual impetus for caregivers’ behaviors originates from how they integrated their own developmental challenges.
Unexamined trauma unfortunately reverberates into the next generation because counterintuitively, the universal aim to heal will cause unresolved pain to seek resolution until it is resolved. Even more intriguing is that healing is an ongoing, fluid and dynamic process. There is no endpoint. We heal in layers.
So consider the emotionally unavailable parent. Small children are dependent on caregivers for survival needs. At all stages of dependency, a child needs to alert caregivers to hunger, discomfort, pain and any environmental condition they cannot address themselves. From the moment of birth a dependent being requires attention and assistance. In an ideal situation, a caregiver intuitively understands what the child is communicating through nonverbal and other cues.
Many of us have observed or experienced caregivers who did not understand, recognize or sometimes even responded by ignoring these signals. Remain mindful that this is often nondeliberate. Ignoring a child’s pleas can mean not noticing, or even more likely, noticing but being unable to respond because the parent themselves learned from their own early life that nonresponsiveness is a way to deal with something they cannot handle or accept in the moment.
Nevertheless, the child perceives nonresponsiveness as a frightening turning away from their appeal to have their needs met. A child is dependent for survival on caregivers recognizing and understanding their needs. The nonverbal request for assistance is an appeal for survival.
The sequence of a child communicating needs is illustrated below:
Dependent Child’s Need → Alert to Caregiver → Response of Caregiver
When the caregiver’s response is null and the need is not responded to, a child viscerally interprets this as threatening to survival. A child who experiences an emotionally unavailable parent likely continues to encounter this through all stages of development. In time, the child grows, develops and becomes verbal and self-aware. Yet for all of us, the experience of having someone turn away in whatever form is painful. It delivers a message we internalize.
Although the turning away or silence caused us pain, it is familiar, which is the key to understanding why as adults we may find ourselves in relationships characterized by emotional unavailability in a romantic partner, friend, colleague, supervisor or others in our lives.
As we continue along the life trajectory, it is surprising when we notice a pattern. Not all of us see the pattern; sometimes those observing us do. We mostly experience frustration and confusion about continuing to feel unseen and misunderstood by those around us. If we don’t examine this, we may default into accepting the belief that we are incapable of being understood or that we must be unworthy of full attention and presence. It must be us!
The journey I’ve described applies to many people. Perhaps you even recognize your own path. Through my work in Energy Psychology, I’ve learned that growth can begin with understanding that the habitual patterns, thoughts and beliefs we hold aren’t fixed. They can respond to curiosity, questioning and attempts to offer healing shifts. Frozen energy can be unfrozen. Relational habits and ineffective communication styles can change. The most wonderful truth is that we can impact and orchestrate these changes ourselves once we learn methods to assist us. Having a skilled practitioner as a guide and teacher can initiate the momentum needed and we can feel shifts along the way.
What I mean by shifts are the noticeable ways we experience a previously uncomfortable and unsettling situation without feeling activated or upset. When we address frozen patterns and belief systems, space opens for healthier responses and choices to emerge. It is liberating.
Bringing this full circle to emotionally unavailable caregivers, for example, we may notice that our newer relationship patterns and relationship choices begin to shift. We may have more satisfying interactions while existing unhealthy or imbalanced relationships fade away or drop off. We no longer accept or feel attracted to unavailable partners. We feel worthy of love and attention. And we are!
If you’d like to learn more about how Energy Psychology approaches can help with relationship challenges and pain, please reach out to me for a complimentary consultation. Watch my YouTube videos posted on my channel to get a sense of the many pathways to healing.
In Peace and Relationship Health,
Aviva
